I lost the job of being an English teacher in Japan for some incredibly ludicrous reasons at the last moment. Of which I will save for another time. I have something else to write about now. Perhaps vastly more important.
I am incredibly conflicted right now.
Everytime I play a great video game, or I see a J-dorama or Anime, listen to some nice J-pop music; I am reminded that where I really want to be is Japan.
I have been studying my ass off to learn Japanese to make this happen as soon as possible; regardless of what most people think, which they think it is really hard or impossible to do. I disagree. Considering in a few short months I was able to memorize over 2100 Kanji (yes, reading and writing) and have enough vocabulary and knowledge to easily pass JLPT3 by simply studying on my own. In a few more months of intense personal study, that could be raised easily to JLPT1 and close to fluency. Hell, Khatzumoto at AJALL did it in his free time in 18 months, so I see no problems.
Meanwhile I realize that I am now 30 years old and have no career or real job, and no real home to my name. Most would see this as a disadvantage and a pity. I find it extremely liberating because, as far as homes and jobs go, home is where the bills are. I hate paying bills as much as anyone, especially if they have no meaning for me. Everyone I know who owns a house and is in a job, is deeply in debt because of the house and stuck in a job they hate doing simply because they need the money to pay for the bills and the house which are simply putting them further in debt. But at least they have a house right? Wrong, the banks own the house and can kick them out or foreclose them at any time.
Then I have a wonderful fiance who lives in Japan and is miserable that I am not with her. We’re engaged to be married. But that marriage cannot happen unless I am in a steady, stable job with lots of security and the means of living under a house that I own. Without those things, she and her family cannot approve of her marrying me. The longer she is without me, the more miserable she becomes. Yet she can’t quit her job and move here because of a contract with her employer and her apartment. And her parents will simply disapprove of anything she does. Plus, if she moved here and I got her a job, I still wouldn’t have a job and we are still in no position to get married.
Of course, I could also break out on my own and start releasing independent games. I can create Arvale games (or whatever) independently with little red-tape and release them right here, sell them for like $5, and perhaps earn a decent amount if there were enough interest in the products. But again, that’s not working for a big stable company with salary and insurance and benefits and such.
Therefore, I am considering forcing myself to get a good career job in the industry I believe is my strong suit: video games. That being said, I am an excellent music composer first, and a great story writer second, two fields which are quite rare in videogames. I am not a programmer, which is the number 1 wanted job in games. My sound design is good, but I haven’t worked on any top tier projects to brag about on a resume, so thats pretty much out as well. Which leaves me to most likely getting a job for SomeCompany* as a writer, which would be fun and awesome and I love Canada… Or getting a music contractor job for any of the myriad of the game companies in L.A. or San Francisco. Of course getting a job at all in this economy is blessing, I am told.
The conflict would then be forgetting what I really wanted in the first place, living and working in Japan. Or perhaps I just need to grow up and forget all of my dreams and desires and become a hard-working slave to the Man like everyone else. I mean, I am 30 years old, my life is over, right? I never became a rockstar, I’m not in TV or movies or anything in the entertainment industry. It was a good attempt, but I didn’t quite achieve any of my dreams. Maybe next life, right?
Or I could put my dreams on hold for awhile and then get back to them when I am in a better position to do so… like when most people realize it at 50, by which time I’ll have completely given up on life and I’ll be too screwed and shackled to debt that I couldn’t go anywhere if I wanted to.
Or I can practice a little bit of patience, finish my Japanese studies and then start applying for real jobs in Japan.
If you were me (hard to imagine, I know) what would you do?
*I don’t want to mention any actual company names because that’s bad voodoo on the internet. Especially since I never have and never will hide behind any anonymity.
